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Randy online winter bunnies

By Tony Mochama | Tuesday, Jan 10th 2017 at 07:39

Winter Bunnies!

There are these kinds of Kenyans who live in the ‘Diaspora’ ( mostly the USA) and it is now my tradition to write about them once a year in December, because they return to Kenya once a year in December (when it is winter in the northern hemisphere) and this year they almost got away. But not quite!

Thanks to my friend, Maureen, who shared her experience at the hands of one winter bunny called Robert. But of course his old pals call him Bob, although he likes to introduce himself as ‘Bobby,’ just so he can add the punchline, ‘Like Kennedy.’

So cheesy you would think he lives in Kansas or Utah or some such ‘ushago’ place in the USA instead of ‘the ATL’ as he likes to call Atlanta, even as he silkily adds, ‘though most weekends I roll to LA to hang out with my West Coast homies.’

Which is, of course, a big fat lie.

It is over three thousand kilometers from the ATL to LA, so that makes about as much sense as a miro here saying they fly to Windhoek, Namibia, (which is almost exactly the same three thao kms in equidistance) to chill out with ‘my friends Zukiswa and Laretto.’ And winter bunnies are able to get away with these kind of silly wannabe fibs because so many Nairobians are ignorant about anywhere outside the capital, Kisumu, Nakuru and of course ‘Coast-o’, even in terms of geographical whereabouts on a map, that the only foreign country they’re really aware of is Rongai.

So ‘Bobby, like Kennedy’ spend months starting September on Facebook Inbox and WhatsApp, (and even SnapChat), chatting up this lady in her late twenties called Mawreen, promising her the latest ‘iPhone’ and other such things that can only be easily found in the land of Trump.

He seemed serious about her, and she felt so honoured and flattered to meet him at the airport when he landed, in the presence of his immediate family, oh my, it must mean that she, Mawreen, must be so very special. As Bob hugged her and she smelled his duty free cologne, she felt the connection.

He had also brought her a few dresses and shoes, so this means he was thinking about her. Of course she is right! Bobby, like Kennedy, is so thoughtful he remembered to pass by the ‘DollaRama’ where shoes go for a dollar, and by the Salvation Army yard to grab his ‘local lady’ a few summer frocks.

Now in Nairobi, the wannabe Winter Bunny is in full December party element. Every dollar from his paws turns into a hundred bob, every ten dollars into a ngiri. Sometimes he loudly operates in pubs and clubs with these magical dollars, as the Jameson flows like there is no tomorrow.

Of course Mawreen is in the box and unleashing the full box of goodies for ‘Bobby, like Kennedy.’

Why not? He is thoughtful, he is ‘rich,’ he is about to complete his Masters’ degree and return to Kenya (or conversely marry her and take her with him to America, after all, didn’t she get introduced to his mom)? The sad Sunday comes and Bobby, like Kennedy, is off to JKIA, connecting in London, to JFK.

Mawreen rides back from the airport, sad but hopeful of their future together. Back on the Internet, Robert is quiet, and when she inquires, he says he is very busy.

‘Kwani America is very busy in January, but idle from September thaz why you could chat all the time?’ A furious Bob unfriends unfollows and blocks Mawreen, saying ‘it’s over. You are disrespectful like a black American woman from Brooklyn.’

But because the Internet has its way, Mawreen has means to stalk him, and on Valentine’s Day she sees his sweet post to some plump white mama from Manassas, USA, which is where the jackass lives with his large size (like a Big Mac) white woman, which is how he got his green card. His real life mother, whom Mawreen met, is indulgent about her son’s ‘little local holiday girls’ when he visits every year.

Which is why, next December, you Mawreen will bump into the wannabe bunny with a new starry-eyed Isabella at the club on your way from the urinals, not knowing where on the ‘social media’ Wannabe met her, but aware that he has been spooring the poor thing since September (that’s why ‘www’ has the word ‘web’ in it). That, she too, has met ‘mom.’

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Wannabes who weigh you down
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With fake friends like these...
Time to think about your wannabe pals

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