It is that time of the year when freshers will be returning home — for the first time since joining university.
Trust me, they will have a lot of things to tell their brothers, sisters, parents, friends and even the local church pastor.
Still, there are many things they would rather die than tell anyone:
1: Kutupa mawe
Your handsome son — they are to every parent — spent most of his time throwing stones at passersby and motorists, smashing their expensive cars and even confining some of them to hospitals.
So as he sits in your house drinking tea and watching Nyonyo za Yesu, know that you don’t have a son.
2. Patience is fornicating
Your daughter, the beautiful one — has not been patient even though her name is Patience. Well, she may have been engaging in unbridled fornication, a very serious sin, one that can get you excommunicated from your local church.
And yes she knows how to kiss her buffoon of a boyfriend very well.
After four years of imprisonment in high school, munching paraffin-laced githeri, a dozen romps in the hostels and house parties isn’t that bad.
Problem is that they don’t even use condoms. The sight of lewd, lust-pinned middle-aged men ogling at obscenely dressed 20-year-olds in a pub is tiring.
It’s here that many learn to be womanizers or randy husbands.
This is where they learn the game, practising how not to get killed or have another guy killed just because of nunu. Comrade ni strategy.
And family planning skills begin there in the hostel — rented by your own money.
3. Mlevi kupindukia
You see his inflamed lips? Well, it’s because he has been hopping from one club to another — at night - sampling all manner of drinks.
Trust me, even the FBI cannot track his club hopping. He has been chased around by cops in Thika town or Nairobi.
And that innocent looking girl has been gobbling copious amounts of muratina — the alcohol can drown a toddler. And wait till she forces her drunken self onto a table, allowing drunkards to see what should only be seen in private.
See, you don’t have a daughter, and don’t say your next door neighbour has bewitched her. She has simply bewitched herself. This is what they say: “Kunywa mpaka pombe ikuogope because alcohol is the best thing ever”.
Elizabeth has had to pee or poop on herself — that’s shameful.
4. Missing classes
One thing your son or daughter will not tell you is that they have been missing classes. It is here that they learn how to get fired after months of employment.
Most of the time, they don’t know which lecturer teaches what unit, and they don’t care — which is why Peter may have just had a re-sit after failing his first CAT.