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Sorry, I'm on my periods: worst sleepovers ever

By Silas Nyanchwani | Monday, Mar 6th 2017 at 13:42

Usually, when someone agrees to go for a sleepover with someone of the opposite sex, one common thing that is expected is a romp.

But if you thought all overnight visits are always a ‘success’, think again. Men, and a few women, whom Crazy Monday spoke to revealed all kinds of oddities they have experienced on such nights.

Why would, for instance, a woman go for a sleepover when she is on her periods and wait until it’s time for the big game to break the bad news?

Especially after a man has broken the bank and spent all the money on her? Girls, just so you know, that makes men suicidal!

But ever wondered why half the time, Kenyan meteorologists always cannot predict the weather? Well, it is partly because most of them are men. And men just can’t make an accurate forecast, or so it seems.

Take, for instance, the subtle art of seducing a woman. Often, women send wrong signals. And it is upon the hapless male species to decode the signal.

When denied goodies, such characters will sulk, toss and turn in the bed, cursing the gods. And such a night is always like 17-hours long!

It is so bad that some men often resort to use of force, in what is now called date-rape.

Chased away at midnight for refusing to play ball

Others whom Crazy Monday spoke to admitted to, in a fit of fury, having chased away women from their houses in the dead of the night for refusing to engage in the ‘act of the rod’!

What drives men up the wall is that the woman will join you for expensive dinner, gobble the rarefied food, drown choice drinks, and agree to go home with you.

And some can be so playful and naughty, to the point of undressing, but will resort to sleep on the couch, or sleep with you with a stern warning “DON’T TOUCH”.

Off the single, “First Night” from that 1998 album, “The Boy is Mine”, Monica sings, “I should make a move but I won’t/ I know you probly thinkin’ something is wrong/Knowing if I do that it won’t be right/I wanna get down, but not the first night.”

Women can be unnecessarily frigid on the first night. Maybe, they always want to make an impression that they are not easy or cheap lays?

“She even sees you buy condoms and doesn’t make a fuss. But just when you let your hands start wandering, she slaps them and mumble rubbish like, ‘una do (what are you doing)?’,” complains Philip Ndung’u, a city businessman who is yet to get over a sleepover in which a woman refused to engage in a ‘gland to gland’ combat, even after spending a lot of money entertaining her the whole day.

Monied men but with clumsy wooing skills

Could it be that some men are yet to master the art of seduction? And that they think throwing money and expensive treats to women is an excuse for poor/weak seduction skills?

“My efforts to whine, ‘kichwa tu basi’ fell on deaf ears,” agonises Ndung’u, who claims to have the resilience of a Kenyan doctor, but was left high and dry that night. Maybe there are other reasons to why women do this (see Sara Haluwa’s separate column at the end of this piece)? But generally, on this matter, men have suffered at the hands of women since time immemorial.

Muli*, 34, an accountant with a top oil firm in the country remembers of a day a woman he met and had a good time at a function in Nakuru. They gelled like a dry forest and fire and she agreed to join him in his hotel room that night.

“When she came to the room, she ate like a bouncer, took all the whisky and went on to sleep in her jeans,” Muli says, still embittered at the woman, more than two years late. He tried every trick in the book, diplomacy, treachery, begging, but she stubbornly ignored all his pleas.

The woman remained an acquaintance, but their relationship was irreparably damaged.

“I recently bumped into her. She said her relationship to the old man she married is not working. I think she meant the sex is not good. Serves her right,” Muli hisses, adding that was not his first and last nasty sleepover.

“There is a time I had another bad one. Where I struggled so much for the better part of the night and wasted energy, begging and pleading. By the time she let me raid her cookie jar, it was late in the night, I had lost interest and was tired like a donkey.

I ended up not giving my best performance. In fact, in the process, I ruined my CV with that clumsy two minutes romp,” laughs Muli, adding that she later avoided him, claiming that he had no ‘game’.

Holly joes scared of manna from heaven

But if you thought it is only men who never get what they expect from sleepovers, think again. For a certain Janet, she once had a male friend she really liked. Despite the fear of him judging her negatively, she agreed to stay around his house for a sleepover once.

“I went there expecting fireworks, only for us to sleep like a brother and a sister, even after getting into his bed in a sexy lingerie and teasing him and engaging in some subtle seductive mischief several times,” says Janet.

Other people we spoke to talked of those sleepovers they didn’t expect. What a certain Rodgers described in street parlance as “zile za Kuangukia”.

“There are those you stumble upon accidentally. Especially during house parties. You like each other and, oddly, she agrees to go home with you. You end up banging like two prisoners who have just been released after decades of confinement. Or a stranded friend request to sleep at your place. Or a close family friend who had no clue you are a hyena!” chuckles Rodgers Muyonga.

There those you take home and regret because upon peeling off her clad, you realise she has ugly ‘tyres’ around her waist, saggy mammary glands and everything else is fake. What’s more, the moment she climbs down her heels, she turns into a short version! So short, your morale takes a flight to Timbuktu!

John Mugo, an events planner remembers of one horrific night he suffered in the bed of a woman who had so much flatulence that the whole night was a farting expedition. Loud toot after another! He could not touch her, and she was as asleep as a dead person, letting out radioactive wind from her bowels, as if her life depended on it.

“It was the most unladylike thing I have experienced. I couldn’t believe what she was doing, the whole night,” says Mugo. But that is not the worst Mugo has ever suffered. In another time, he was woken up at 3am to the news that the boyfriend of the drunk woman who had staggered home with him was coming back. The woman had not mentioned that she had a boyfriend.

“It was a bedsitter. I only had the option of jumping through the balcony, but the apartment was on the second floor. I had to bolt out and dash down the flight of stairs and go to my place in that ungodly hour,” says Mugo.

When she camps at your house for weeks

The worst sleepovers, however, are those that spill into something else. Shadrack Mwabe, had the longest month, last year when a woman who came supposedly for a night but got so comfortable in the house, and ended up spending one month there.

“She was in no rush. I think she had no place to go. However, much I mistreated her, deprived her, she hang on. Even when I left without leaving a coin in the house, I would come back to find she had cooked and ready to serve me. She never complained even when I treated her badly,” he says.

In other times, it is women who become pregnant, or steal from your pad. Especially for men who have the habit of picking random women from night clubs.

A tale is told of a man who took home a woman from a night club along Thika Road, only for her to turn out to be a prostitute. She caused a racket at his house, demanding Sh 3,000 or burn down the building. Never mind it was mid-month and the man was broke as a church mouse.

“Before she caused drama, she is reported to have drowned a whole bottle of 300 ml gin without a chaser in the morning. The gin was one of those cheap brands bought at Sh100 that she had somewhere in her purse,” says Melvin, a source who insists it wasn’t his experience.

Men, however, insist that no matter how nasty some of the sleepovers turn, they will continue hosting women for such nights. Sigh!

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