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Comrades, here’s a guide on how to survive after campus

By Crazy Monday Team | Tuesday, Dec 27th 2016 at 12:43

When you leave campus, the joys of having free electricity, water and security flies out of the window. You are left in the cold, with this monster called ‘bills’.

Every end of month, you do not feel like you are earning any money. You feel like your boss sends you on errands.

Like “take this 10k to your landlord, 2k to Kenya Power, 3k to the water company, and the remaining cash, divide equally between your conductor and mama mboga.” Nothing remains.

You are a broke ass in a suit, trotting around feeling important, when in actual sense, you are just all show and no substance.

For my case, I took to living with a friend from campus. It helps. We live in Lang’ata. We are the Real Bachelors of LA. It is not the same as being roommates in a campus hostel.

Out here, it is a different ball game — a whole new kettle of fishy experiences. Here is how this cookie crumbles: You get a two bed-roomed house.

It costs 19k a month. The person who takes the master bedroom pays 10k because it takes more space and comfort.

Desperate for money

You find someone who is flying out to the States or UK for further studies, and buy stuff from him. These people are usually desperate for money, so they will take as little as possible. Make sure you wring them dry, give no quarters, because life in Langata shows no mercy to bachelors.

When people come calling, you do not tell them how you got house items. Brag. Thump that chest.

Blow that trumpet because nobody will blow it for you, and what good is a silent trumpet anyway. But be careful not to tell them how much that stuff costs. Keep them guessing.

That is your trade secret, and you should hold it close to your chest like the formula for Coca Cola.

Campus girls will always want to visit you. Especially when they get wind of the fact that you own a refrigerator, complete with cold drinks and an oven, three months after clearing campus.

This is because they have visited other people who chose to live along Thika Road in those tiny bedsitters that do not even leave room for anyone to swing a cat.

That is the best time to stock your fridge with bottles of Four Cousins and two litre Cokes. Two huge cabbages and nyanyas should be a staple.

When you put yourself on this pedestal, they will respect you for more than just your beard. And now that you have fooled them that life is good after campus, you need to plan how to keep up appearances. Good luck with that.

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