The other day, I waz asked to contribute a grand 4 a guy I barely know who had gone blind and had to be transferred from sijui Melchizedek Medico Center to Karen’s Women Hospital. Lez juzt stop there for a sec! Melchizedek? WTF??
Next thing you know, we’ll have Obadiah Dispensary and Habbakuk Hospital and Nebuchadnezzar Nursing Home!
Back to Wilbur, I gave my K, but then almost reversed the transaction when I found out this dude called Wilbur waz gnashing from ‘psycho-somatic blindness’ coz his fiancée had dumped his behind. Yaani his chicka wachad him, n dude goes into such shock he goes blind! What a pu**ie.
Five years ago on this exact date, on a Furahi-day Nova 11, I married this mamsilla I’d been with for five full years. Three years layter, we were done!
I just chapad some vodoski for three days straight, quickly realised that even if we’d been pamoya for eight years, it waz just like Praimo. Yu there for a long tyme, then you do KCPE n, suddenly, it is over, kaput!
You don’t go mourning over the fact that you had so much fun in the Praimo play-ground of Standard Three, or keep hating that Standard Six odijo who beat ya ass! Within three weeks, as Pulse Ed Stevoskiz Muendo aka Thamba is my witness, I was okay, back in play, n open to new romandick experiences.
But I realise not everyone is as emo-Stalin as the Smitten.
So I’ve compiled ten songs to help ya get thru heart-break, Pulser, any-ting dat keeps ya from going bloody blind like that pillock puss Wilbur (ni**a a want ma monie)!
Check yur hat at YouTube, boob.
(i) Swing Swing by All-American Rejects – ‘Did you think that I’d cry on the phone? Dyu know what it feels like, being alone? I’ll find someone new.’ You gotta be defiant and hopeful and already ready to move on, not a whimperer or a weeper, like Wilbur.
(ii) Heart is an empty room by Death Cab for Cutie - ‘Burn it down, till the embers smoke on the ground. And start a –new, when yur heart is an empty room.’ Empty yourself of every memory of that ‘ex.’ Now yur good to move on along, amigo.
(iii) I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor – ‘Yur the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye. Did u think I’d crumble, you think I’d lay down n die?’ The ultimate defiance wimbo, 4 when it’s over.
(iv) Ashtray Heart by Placebo – ‘Yur the after birth and the waste, yur the one who took my place; you took a jump into forever, a leap of faith I could not take.’ Perfect for when you cannot commit fully to the chiquitta, then she marries sum’a’ha guy.
(v) No Surprise by Daughtry – ‘It’s no surprise but I won’t be here tomorrow. I can’t believe that I stayed ‘til today. Yeah n you know I’ll be a tough act to follow.’ Lazma mseeiya aji-choche ;)
(vi) Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson – ‘ I can breathe for the first time, I’m so movin’ on, yeah yeah.’ Hombre or hombres, after heart fall, doncha stay home growing fat or getting stinky! Get out there, n check out other senors/signoritas.
(vii) ‘So What?’ by Pink – ‘I guess I just lost my hubby, I don’t know where he went. So I’m gonna drink my money, I’m not gonna pay rent.’ This one is for cougar-skis after that Ben Ten has started getting ‘chest,’ n running around town with lil chickas in that Colt yu bought him.
(viii) Sk8er Boi by Avril L – ‘She turns on TV, and guess what she sees, Sk8er Boi rockin’ up MTV.’ Coz u wanna be dat cheddared celeb, n that ‘ex’ to be just anutha mathe nobody knows, ya?
(ix) Don’t look Back In Anger by Oasis – ‘You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out. So, Sally can wait, she knows tis too late, as we’re walkin’ on by ...’ Invite the ‘ex’ for yur weddo to a mamsilla a million times hotter, or younger, than her. Ha ha. Not really! Fer-gerr-ambout-er.
(x) ‘WhatsHerName’ by Green Day – ‘Seems that she disappeared without a trace/ did she ever marry old ‘What’s His Face’?’ Wilbur, this where you wanna get to – where you don’t give a damn watt happened to that ‘ex,’ he or she is a total stranger you knew in another lifetime.